Where do I even begin?
It was only a day before you had your stroke when we briefly talked over FaceTime about catching up later because I was at work. We were to talk the next day. But that never happened.
It was about 4 years ago when I first thought I’d be experiencing the worst thing that could happen to me. I received the call in the middle of class that you had a stroke, but no chance of an update yet.
We were fortunate that time, you pulled through thanks to God or science or maybe a little of both.
I was very wrong about that day because this past week has been the worst thing to happen to me. I received the worst news anyone wishes to hear. I had to see you laying in a hospital bed unresponsive wishing it was a bad dream and you’d wake up.
At 25 years old I’m having to plan my fathers funeral with my siblings and family. I’m having to do something I thought I’d have more time to prepare for.
As we all know time is not a guarantee, but what is a guarantee is the moments you make with others.
I was a daddy’s girl. There was no doubt about that. You and I have had our challenges in our relationship, but the thing we both knew and could agree on was I love you and you love me. That’s all that mattered, and the rest was just noise.
I had time to grow up with a dad that made sure I felt love. I had time to learn the lessons you wanted to teach me. I had time to just experience the moments with you.
You taught me to experience life not just live it. And you taught me I’m capable of overcoming many challenges that I will be faced with.
I can say a lot and probably repeat a lot of what everyone already knows about you, but instead I want to share some moments.
Moments from picking up a homeless guy who was a Nick Nolte look a like to give him a ride down the road because he missed his bus, or the time a high school girlfriend didn’t have a date to pose and take pictures with so you stepped in, or the early morning drives watching the sunrise on the way to my swim meets, or the hospital stays at NIH when you never complained sleeping on a pull out chair (NOT a pull out couch) when it was just the two of us…to a wacky photo shoot around DC to raise money for the Children’s Inn where our family would stay for our trips to NIH or taking me to a concert when I had no one to go with a few months before I was 21 to a dive bar where the bouncer gave me a drink band and let me experience my first “legal” drink while proceeding to be my photographer when I got to meet the bands.
I could go on but we don’t have time for that…
I’m going to miss that you would call me every birthday we couldn’t celebrate together and leave a voicemail because you usually called incredibly early in the morning. I’m going to miss you not being able to watch the next 25 years of my life in the way you promised me this year.
I’m going to miss the opportunities to come that I’d want to celebrate with you:
I’m going to miss celebrating job promotions.
I’m going to miss you being a part of my wedding.
I’m going to miss you being a grandpa to future grandkids
Im just going to miss you in all my future moments.
Those are the moments that I mourn today…
You never let us hang up a phone call or most conversations without telling me, how proud you are of me, how much you couldn’t wait until we talked again, and how much you loved me.
Daddy, I’m proud of you, I can’t wait until we talk again, and I love you more.
Love, your little bear